The Pietalian Job ~ The Secret of the Golden Crust
If you are not sure what this is about a quick update. The Perfect Pie Company make pork pies. They also have a Pie Aggio (see previous post). In a moment of madness a scheme is developing to ‘make a film’; well in our heads at least. So here is my proposed screenplay. Most of these names exist, so please accept this is a bit of a laugh and if you want to be swapped out let me know. Sadly both @PorkPieHat and @TheProfessor seem to be dead twitter accounts.
The Screenplay for The Pietalian Job ~The Secret of the Golden Crust
Opening shot: [Music -Manolo Garcia – A San Fernando Un Ratito A Pie Y Otro Caminando]
Long shot of the Pieaggio driving through the Norfolk Lanes, each side full of yellow blossom; as the camera pans following the Pieaggio it disappears from view; the camera zooms in gradually the whole screen is nothing but yellow.
Fade to: Yellow but as the camera zooms back out it is clear this is no longer the yellow of the fields but the yellow of a silk dress. As it zooms further back the dress is topped by a smart hat and it is evident that we are in the ‘posh’ part of the racecourse [Fakenham]. [Music fades out]
Voice: [Throughout the Movie we have a ‘disembodied voice like in the Early Jamie Oliver series, as if it is coming from the camera] “Can you tell me where I’ll find the PieAggio”
Lady Banana: You’re in the wrong place madam you need to go over there. (pointing)
The camera zooms to another part of the racecourse and as if by magic we are sucked to that spot with it…clearly seeing a man in a distinctive Pork Pie Hat and yellow suit as we go past.
At this point we have a split screen view, at key points in the film this technique is used. Anything that starts with @ is actually the twitter feed and appears on the right pane of the split screen, with the visual action still taking place on the left.
Lady Banana: @PorkPieHat what’s happening? There are cameras here
The camera is now focused on Sarah Pettegrew, selling her pie, hair swirling and looking slightly flustered.
Voice: Ah, you must be Sarah.
Voice: Tell me what is the secret of your golden crust?
The Professor: @PorkPieHat I think we’ve been rumbled
Sarah: (to the Voice) Excuse me, who are you?
Voice: You said drop in anytime, to do some impromptu filming.
Sarah: Yes, oh, of course I did, sorry; I’m just a bit distracted at the moment.
At this point a noise that had been barely perceptible but getting louder becomes very audible. It is a snore but through a punch and Judy swazzle.
Voice: Gosh, what the blazes is that?
The Professor: @LadyBanana I may have overdone it….
Sarah: He keeps doing that. It’s the Punch and Judy Professor, he will drink too much and then fall asleep in front of the PieAggio. He’s not on again for half an hour. He’s best left; he gets nasty if he’s disturbed.
The Professor: @Pork PieHat , she’s g8, covered for me nicely.
PorkPieHat: @moggypie go steady, when will you be in with the next supplies?
Voice: So these are the famous pies?
Sarah: Yes, they are the ones. Sorry do you mind if I keep serving we are really busy today.
Voice: No you carry on. How do you manage to keep up?
Camera pans to show amazingly long queue
Sarah: I’ve sent MoggyPie to fetch more supplies
Voice: OK, I think we’ll go and take a few context shots; back in a minute or two.
Sarah bops down behind her trestle and is seen to be tweeting
Sarah: @moggypie as soon as you get here we load and go
The Professor: @ladybanana @porkpiehat stand by, distraction techniques required any minute
At that moment MoggyPie turns up with her own PieAggio clearly heavily laden.
Sarah: How did I let you talk me into this? Golden Crust indeed, it’s taken years to perfect this but I hadn’t reckoned on how heavy it would be once we made the bullion version.
MoggyPie: Too late you’re involved now, heck we better skedaddle
With that they hop into the PieAggio; the newly arrived pork pies glistening in the Norfolk sunshine. The rest of the time is filled with japes as The Professor, Pork Pie Hat Man and Lady Banana create diversions to allow the PieAggio escape. Plenty of scope for a lap round the racecourse, knocking glass carrying waiters, hay bales, horses, jockeys etc going flying. Then a road trip/car chase phase through every sight in Norfolk, down any steps you can think of in Norwich [We could get EEDA funding if we try hard enough]. I just insist it goes through Gedney Drove End [because I like the name and it is the back of, the back of beyond] and then ends with the PieAggio either dangling off the cliffs at Hunstanton in the classic style or slowly sinking into the sand somewhere like Snettisham.
MoggyPie: I have an idea…..
Sarah: It’s OK It’ll come out in the Wash
Music: We are the Brays Pie Consumption Society…….
Fade and close